Hey lovely humans, how are you feeling?
It’s been quite a week (it’s been quite a year). I stepped back from the blog because there was so much happening, so much being discussed, around racism and racial injustice–and I didn’t want to take away from that. I didn’t want to distract from people who needed to be heard, from people who had important things to say.
Also, to be honest, it’s hard to have the motivation to care about a paleo cookie recipe when people are literally dying. So I stepped back from the blog, and spent my efforts learning more about systemic racism and white privilege. I’m still learning. I hope you are too.
For my non-black and non-POC community, I hope this has inspired you to really educate yourself–to get reflective on your own privilege, to understand how we can better show up for our black friends, family and loved ones. There has never been a better time to start learning. There are so many resources available right now. For my black community: you are beloved and welcome here, and I will keep doing my best to make this space as inclusive as possible. I will keep doing the work to be a better ally.
While this blog is not political by nature, we are talking about human rights and safety, and that extends far beyond image and branding (duh). So if there are things that you want to talk about–like how to be a better ally in the health + wellness space–leave a comment below or email me at tisha@thenourishedmind.ca !
With all that said, you may have completely forgotten that it’s Pride Month! Woo!
So of course–of course–I felt compelled to write some queer content. After all, if you didn’t know, I’m queer and very proud of that! I identify as bisexual (although queer, gay, pansexual and sexually fluid are all labels I feel good with) and wanted to write a post about some of the differences I’ve noticed between dating different genders! I actually get asked that question quite a bit–usually by straight men who are surprised to meet a “real life” bisexual.
But you know what, I have noticed differences between genders and I think it’s so freaking fascinating. Obviously these behaviours have less to do with gender per se, and more to do with how we raise humans to believe they need to portray certain characteristics (ex. men need to be strong; women need to be nurturing). We are taught how to behave based on gender, and we carry that with us our entire lives. So today, I’m sharing my observations!
Disclosure:
This post is meant to be silly and fun. Cause I think we could use a little of that. It by no means reflects all people, nor is it meant to stereotype genders, because people are diverse and dynamic and none of us fit neatly into little boxes (thank goodness). And to be clear, although I personally identify with the term “bisexual”, gender is not binary, meaning it is not just men and women. This post aims to include all genders (although it is based solely around my own personal dating experience, and I have yet to exhaust the endless possibilities of human gender + sexuality in my dating life. Not for lack of trying).
For the sake of this post I’m using language like “men vs women”, but what I mean is same (as me) vs. different (than me). If you’re confused about the world of gender, and maybe feel a little overwhelmed, I highly recommend checking out this quick read The ABCs of LGBT+ which helps to break it down!
With all that said, happy Pride wonderful humans! Let’s dive in!
Dating As A Bisexual: Who Does It Better?
Who Is Sharing More On The First Date?
Okay, let’s start from the beginning: the first date. While I’ve dated some chatty boys, by and large it’s the queer folk winning this round. On the first date we’re talking coming out stories, your art degree, everything you loved and hated about your childhood, and that crazy ex-girlfriend-that-you-almost-married-after-3-months-of-dating-before-realizing-she-was-not-a-dog-person.
There will be no stone left unturned.
Vs. Men On The First Date: “…So what’s your favourite colour?”
Whether it’s because men are taught not to express themselves, women are taught to talk it all out, and queer humans are just super pumped to be talking to like-minded individuals at all, this is often how I find the first date plays out.
Who Cares More About Me Being Bisexual?
For the most part? Nobody cares (woo!). This is pretty cool when you consider how prevalent biphobia is and that even a few years ago most of my gay friends wouldn’t date a bisexual woman because “she’ll eventually leave you for a guy”. We’ve come so far!
That being said, I find queer women to be the ones who struggle with this the most, when it does happen. I did have one date who cancelled on me because she was only interested in women who were actually gay. What does that even mean?!
And cis men, on the opposite end of the spectrum, are usually the ones at the bar pointing at other women: “will you make out with her? How about her?” (No and no, I’m good thanks.)
All in all, people are pretty open-minded about me being bisexual. In fact, in 2020, it might almost be boring. But it never hurts to remind people that just because I can be attracted to all genders, doesn’t mean I am attracted to all people. (Cause a girl has got to have standards, ya know?)
Who Talks About Their Feelings More?
Uh, probably me. Definitely me. What’s the opposite of chill?
Who’s Helping Me With Around-The-House Handy Work More?
Guys, this is probably my favourite thing about being femme: everyone I date is way more competent at doing handy work than I am. Whether it’s a cute soft butch helping switch out a light bulb, or a hot boy helping me hang shelves, I am surrounded by attractive humans who sweat at the idea of me picking up a hammer (and I thank you).
This is the progressive world I want to live in: one where anyone can wear a tool belt and get down and dirty, while your delicate femmes sit on the sideline and offer you up praise and beer.
Who’s More Willing To Talk About Periods?
You’d think this would go to the humans who have experienced periods first-hand. And while yes, they are way more likely to bring me home chocolate when I whine, or fill me a hot water bottle for my cramps, it turns out gender is really a non-factor here. In my experience those who can’t talk about periods probably can’t talk about a lot of important issues (like finances, boundaries, or feelings)–making this a bit of a red flag. (Is that a pun? I can’t tell.)
Those who have never had a period are sometimes even more compassionate–maybe because they don’t want to come across as insensitive, or maybe because, unlike my ex-girlfriend, they don’t know when I’m milking my period cramps because I just don’t want to take out the trash.
OTHER POSTS YOU MIGHT LIKE
What’s It Like To Be Bisexual (After Coming Out As Gay)
Sexual Fluidity: It’s Not Just Gay And Straight
Who’s More Willing To Take Me Home To Their Family?
Hmmm, who’s losing this round: queer lady who is hesitant to introduce me to her homophobic parents, or the f*ck boy who is so not ready to DTR (definite the relationship)?
I’d say it’s 50/50: we’re only meeting your family when things are serious. (Aka I’m never meeting your family and I baked that paleo vegan Thanksgiving pie for nothing.)
Monogamy: Love It? Hate It?
So about me: monogamy is maybe not my favourite of things. In my experience, all people can be for or against monogamy. But I do find that men tend to be more okay with it initially (“I can still sleep with whoever? Sweet!”) and then later, not so much (“..Wait, you’re also sleeping with people?”).
Queer folk + women tend to be able to say right from the beginning if it’s not going to work for them, and while polyamory is becoming more popular within the LGBT+ community, I find most people want a monogamous relationship.
And then sometimes you luck out with a beautiful human who is equally interested in exploring different relationship dynamics, while still maintaining an honest and authentic connection. Oh baby.
Who Wants A One Night Stand More?
Again, casual sex knows no gender: everyone is looking for a little fun and they’re happy to leave it at just that. And as long as everyone is being safe (when is the last time you were tested), I think that’s pretty rad.
And all people, not surprisingly, don’t like to be ghosted. So you know, don’t do that. It’s gross.
Do I Have A Preference?
Yes, and no.
My sexuality is pretty fluid, and while I’ve loved both same and different genders, I do find it’s usually not a 50/50 split, and at different times in my life I’ve been more or less attracted to different genders. In general, I tend to more attracted to masculine energies (not gender), and physically, I really don’t have a type.
However, being close-minded or misogynistic are automatic deal breakers–and again, that’s regardless of gender. (I’ve seen many queer folk adopt damaging gender roles.) And toxic behaviours are obviously a no-go.
At the end of the day, dating as a bisexual isn’t too different than any other kind of dating. It’s a tad more fetishized, and perhaps more misunderstood–and it also tends to keep my grandparents on their toes, wondering who I’m bringing home for the holidays.
But variety is the spice of life, you know?
Hope you enjoyed this series! Let me know if you want to see more queer content on TNM. And if you haven’t already, be sure to subscribe to my weekly newsletter for the latest in wellness (plus tons of freebies and gifts!).
Happy Pride!
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